autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

A brief look behind

It fascinates me, the manner in which perspective shifts and changes as one moves through life. Now and again, I pause and turn the perspective behind just to measure the distance and note the leaps of thinking and how much change has occurred whilst I’ve been busy “living” and not paying that much attention to the changes.

I am, in this moment, ridiculously happy; content in ways that seemed all but impossible scant two years ago (or even a few months ago). The movement from “that perspective” to this one has been subtle; for all that looking backwards demonstrates it as rather amazingly massive overall.

You ever have that feeling that, most times, the only reason you feel unhappy in any moment is that you’ve been so busy giving that feeling attention that you missed a passle of happy waving frantically under your nose for notice? Heh. That is how it seems sitting here, now; I’m amused with myself that (once again) there was “that period of time” in which I gave entirely too much focus to all the thoughts and not enough to the experience itself.

Yes, it feels good to say that in the past tense. Also to smile to myself for it being that brief moment of time rather than years of it. Also that it feels more probable than not that developments since “then” will go a long way toward ensuring that any repeat is, at worst, brief and, at best, fleeting.

I am beginning to find a level of insight to the aging process; the manner in which “the small stuff” begins to become quite easily overlooked, dismissed even. I begin to understand how and why “the older folk” I’ve known in my life have so consistently and valiantly tried to instill and impart to me the notion that “in X years, most of this will either not matter or you’ll be bemused that you ever thought it did.”

It’s peaceful, it is; the feeling and sense that all the old angst and frets have lost their power. Accurately, it’s more that I’ve reclaimed what power I gave to them; there’s a certain soft enjoyment in that realization, too. No matter what else arrives in this life, I have a sense of comfort in my ability to meet it, acknowledge it, and if not manage it, at least ensure it does not overwhelm or otherwise break me.

I think I’ve found “my core” and this, perhaps, is what life is really about; figuring out (or admitting) who you really want to be, who you really are, and whether or not any gaps between the two are as much unreachable as they might be unreasonable. For me, most of the things I want to be are already here and those small few that are not I find either far enough beyond the pale of reasonableness as to be effectively moot (This is not a bad thing; indeed, it is really quite liberating) or within reach with little more than a nudge or three of discipline.

Reckon this is the point at which I’m supposed to make some comment along the lines of “wishing I’d known ‘then’ what I know now” but that seems so inane, so silly. You cannot know what you’re not ready or willing to know and there’s a certain amount of self-inflicted tumbling required to rid oneself of the edges and find the symmetry and smoothness of “who one is” under all the reactionary flinches and spasms.

I think the most refreshing part of things is that all the important things I have ever wanted to be, in this moment, I am. Not by my decree of it, but by the consistency with which this is validated by the world, by others. Oddly, the act of not seeking that validation seems to be a key element in finding it. Most interesting of all is that “I” do not perceive that I’ve changed very much, even as all around me reflects a different perspective that seems to clearly indicate just how much I have done so. I wasn’t looking, so perhaps this is why I didn’t notice until now. Paradox, you silly bitch; how I love you. Heh.

I genuinely like myself; who and how I choose to be. Hrm. No, actually, it’s more that it’s not as much a “choice” these days; less intellectualizing on “who and how I should be” and more “just being”; kind of zen-ish, I suppose; natural, unfettered, and unconstrained by thinking that being who and how I am really requires thought (kind of silly, that; logically, having to think about what I could or should be tends to indicate anything other than naturalness).

The temporal white rabbit of “thinkiness” spins off a quick retort, “What?!?! That’s not very mindful!” I laugh; no, thank you, I don’t think I need to chase you, but thanks for the offer.

Yes. Quite refreshing indeed.

I look behind me
Finding there is nothing there
Return to the now