autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

A brief look behind…

It’s almost time to move; I find I am enthused, excited even. This will be the first move in almost ten years that is fully by choice and without stress. It is a nice feeling. Boxes, packing paper, and binding tape are all at the ready; all utilities and related items are prepped for transfer, address is updated with all creditors and related companies with whom I do business, and the movers are pre-paid and scheduled for Friday morning. I decided to take Thursday off so I’m not rushing around with last minute preparations; also to give time to do up the last load of laundry before heading to my new place. Amazon Fresh has my first grocery order ready for 10am delivery Saturday morning and, by this time next week, I’ll be savoring peace and tranquility on the covered patio of my new abode.

Happy times.

I think about the various ups and downs I’ve moved through in life and it occurs to me that I am truly gifted in this life. I am not sure why it has worked out so well. It is a certainty that I started with every possible card stacked against me and, in all frankness, if I had to tell you just how “I did it”, I’m not sure that I could. I think it must be that I am simply too stubborn to take any impediment for impossibility; truly, I can think of no other reason. The idealism and perhaps even naivete that is all but a trademark, of “me”, has seen me through so many disasters, tragedies, crisises, and threats that it would take a book to tell them all. (There are those who still nag at me to write “that book”, but it seems rather prideful and vain; I just can’t consider it with any seriousness.)

I’ll be 45 in August; by all statistical information, that’s about the mid-point in a life. All things considered, I’ve seen quite a bit of life and I suppose, if I have any real wish for my future, it is that I manage to be helpful and good to those around me. I never had that drive for “status” or “renown” or “reputation”; the various titles and kudos aren’t that important to me. But, to live a peaceful life, to be kind, to do what I can when I can, and “just because”…. these things are that which matter most to me. Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s blind luck, maybe it’s something else entirely, but whatever it is, it seems I’ve managed once more to land on my feet and with some degree of balance. In this moment, considering it all, I find that I am very, very thankful for this wonderful and interesting life.

Most often known in hindsight
Always feels like pride

I take no credit
Can posit no intention
Surfing waves of life

Swallowing water
Floundering in some places
No, no credit here

Still, when it’s quiet
When the tide is recedeing
It is surprising

Finding I’m ashore
In one piece and still alive
I laugh with relief

Thankful and humble
For unknown, inner something
Ever buoying me

Distant tsunami
Surely, some day, comes ashore
but for now, drifting

Pebble in ocean
Cast now and then on the sands
Temporary rest