autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Acidic on agapos

My children wanted unconditional love and I couldn’t deliver. I, too, want this, and they can’t either. I was an uneducated, autistic, abandoned human who became a single parent. They are neurotypical (largely), healthy (mostly), college-educated professionals. I couldn’t give what I didn’t have myself. They will not give what they claim by perspective and contrast that they do. I have all but killed myself trying to reach them. They persistently refuse me. The absurdity of it all is a weighty bell, strung upon my heart.

Every generation blames the one before; but, should they live to see them pass, echoes resound evermore.

– me, just now

I find the gleeful ugliness everywhere I look; was it always there? Probably. Unconditional love? There’s a reason why they call that ‘divine’, remember?

Then again, am I not still here? Still trying? Is this not the most unconditional one might ask of a human? Or does this still not count?

This is the generation who will not understand it when their children and grandchildren turn upon them. This is also the generation who currently wastes time “punishing” those very likely best suited to help actually fix things.

It will be decades yet before ‘the aged’ are no longer a near average; perhaps this will be a good thing for the planet, if we can manage not to blow ourselves up that long.

But it genuinely hurts my heart how mistakenly enraged these newest generations are…. as if they are not, even now, earning their income supporting the same system?

As if they are not, even now, living our history through their own eyes… and still missing the point because they insist upon finger-pointing? (Just as we did! The chain, unbroken.)

The absurdity of the repetition over time opposing itself like the ultimate, inescapable hypocrisy: Humans are ever impotent before the surge of their chemical tides.

Not a movement, not even a flicker of it being otherwise.

Fool is the human who allows themself to believe any ancestor not of this rotting culture and society’s “nobility” or “celebrity” lived without detesting the failures and fanatics who bear “fore-“.

The power of change is far more limited than any human wants to accept and believe… and the power to change, even more so, as science will continue to reveal.

She said, “I’ll keep you updated (if we decide to move cross-country)!”

I replied, “No need, it’s not as if I could tell the difference.”

She verified, “True.”

Several hours later, my husband cradled me as I sobbed out my broken heart.

She will never understand in my lifetime.

It always comes home to roost…. and when she finally can see and understand, I suppose she’ll be just like me, here and now…. which just makes me sadder.

Never enough to truly break the chain.

This is humanity’s curse. It comes from the arrogance of believing there are no binding connections but those we choose.

How I wish I could have known sooner.

I will close this hole with my own being and, when it is done, I too will savor the indifference of not having to hurt for loving those who cannot and will not reciprocate.

I would say that I look forward to the day when I change the tense, but I begin to believe that day will be when I, too, do so.

I would so dearly adore discovering I am wrong.