autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

At the end, two words say all that needs saying…

[Disclaimer: You silly people. Three calls, all wanting to know if “this is about me”. No, actually, it’s about no one and everyone; just a statement of frustration and annoyance without any direction other than at the sky.]

I am sick unto death of waiting for someone to want to feel good. Sick beyond all saying for arms full of flowers that grow tired for their holding and find inevitable ache and pain because they never intended to hold them this long…. the entire point of holding them at all was to see someone smile at the knowledge they were being given.

I conclude people are afraid to feel too good. I don’t understand why this is, obviously. But it is too common and constant and consistent a thing to be other than conclusive.

I find as well that reality is a very simple and easily understood thing. The more someone talks, the less they want to act. The more someone denies, the less they want to accept. The more someone insists, the less they want to engage.

People. Do. What. They. Want. To. Do.

Thus, things that are not done are not wanted.

You see? Simple. All the distraction, discussion, dogma, and delusion get in the way of the simplicity, but this in no way means it is ever other than just this simple.

If I want to be with you, I invite you.

If I want to see you, I ask and then, I come to you.

If I want to talk to you, I call or write.

If I want you in my life, I make a place for you.

I know all the places of my life. I know their sizes and dimensions. I know precisely what will or will not fit. I know these things because they comprise my world. I know them because I helped to shape them. I know how they move, or how they cannot or will not. I know what can fit and what will not. I know which are fragile as eggshell and which are stronger than steel.

I know all of this.

What would I be saying if I were to say that I want and need something in my life and then, cannot figure out how to accomplish it?

What would I be saying if I were to say that I can see how this something fits and then, say that I have difficulty managing the fitting?

What would I be saying if I were to say that I do not know whether or how something fits, but I say it only after I have drawn it, eager and hungry and willing, from the ocean?

What would I really be saying?

What would it really mean?

This is why they say “talk is cheap”. This is also why they say “the things you say may be true, but it is the things you do that prove it.”

Me? I am a slow learner. But I am learning. These days, I engage openly and freely; I set everything possible on the table and shamelessly admit to all of it. Fully intending to prove every bit of it. Just you let me in and see for yourself. Just you give me the access and chance to prove it.

You asked me come out and into view. I have.

You asked me to consider you. I have.

You asked me to open myself to you. I have.

You asked me to believe in you. I have.

You asked me to accept you. I have.

You asked me to engage you. I have.

You asked me to care for you. I have.

You asked me to trust you. I have.

All of these things, done and easily so. They required nothing from you but the request. Did I talk of them and make you wait for them? No. Words were first, yes, but actions accompanied them.

Partners of truth and intention; they walk together in slow, mindful ways. Neither run ahead because both know they create pain to compete or vie with, or belie one another.

But, when it comes to wishes and dreams, promises and pinings, statements of intent…. I find I am ever more solemnly stoic and stern. There are only two words to give and beyond this, nothing; not hoping, not wishing, not demanding… just the simple saying that will either receive what it seeks or not:

Convince Me.