autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

austinite sunlight

I find you in a coffee shop; stirring absently as you work a puzzle or doodle symbols and sigils, your mind running infinite circles across the great continuum of then/now/if, and it is at once a happy sighting and a sorrowful one. Time, it seems, does indeed soften the edges of us all; the things I remember most and best in this moment are quiet, star-lit skies and sitting by the bleached bones of ancient kodo as we whispered about meaningful things and felt the tug of time like a hook set in the spirit.

I remember laughter and panic for mistaken movements that resulted in accidental deaths that were never permanent; the sheepish returns and the exuberant fun of immortality that cannot be known anywhere else.

I remember thinking it was all eternal; know how reckless we are when we think all things indestructible. It’s either perfect trust or perfect arrogance, perhaps a bit of both. You never think things will end until they do and from there, it’s all about learning how to maintain that sense of enjoyment in the face of inexorable change and the reality that, while time may be infinite, one’s experience of it cannot be so.

It’s a cherished heaviness, this, as odd as that may sound. Kind of like carrying a baby, I suppose; sure, your hip is numb and your arms ache, but you’d sooner die than drop it.

All the memories of dark words and darker assumptions cannot outweigh or bring to bay the memories of light and laughter and love. We were not as innocent as insouciant, and the warmth of that sense, it keeps any chill well away.

I like to remember you astounded or awed best, I think. I like the sense of feeling and thinking that the utter insistence upon wonder is a bubble of invincibility that holds firm for you in ways I only imagine.

And I like to think of you happy and dabbling as you were always prone to do; a fleeting and perhaps flighty thing; not with intent or in any way fickle, it’s just that there’s so much to enjoy!

You always had that silver-lining perspective and I find myself wishing I felt less like the cloud. But even a cloud can savor watching sunlight and I think, more than anything, I’m just happy you’re encompassed in radiance and warmth.

puro amor é como a luz solar; nuvem que eu esteja, eu ainda tornar claro o que eu tenho para você, meu amigo.

sinto saudade de voce…