autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Carrie Arlos – Cipherpunk Journals

made an odd discovery today. i have discovered how to see the future. i was standing outside my office and looking off into the horizon, not really thinking about much of anything. had a bit of the old mahamudra going on when, suddenly, it looked like the entire world fractured.

i suppose if i were standing in my own reality, i would have lost my mind. as it happened, i was standing two steps outside it. so the backlash landed on the gravel and kicked up a spray, dug a hole about oh… an inch deep, then flared out with a white-blue snap of light.

was interesting to watch, but i felt sorry for the gecko standing on the other side of the gravel. mashed it flat and took its skin, too. a step outside reality it blinked and scuttled up the railing of the staircase to safety, pausing long enough to bob its head two times and frill that throat sac like it was able to do something about it.

ten paths behind him, in a world where humans were the yard trash and geckos were sentient, it looked down at me, all splayed and skinless on the gravel and shook its head before going back into the cave.

i finally remembered to stop paying attention to the alternate dimensions. after all, what good is looking into the future if you’re just going to get distracted by all the variants of the things at your damn feet?

the thing you have to remember is not to walk too far from wher/n you we/a/re. i figured out that i can see twenty steps in every direction, but only if i remain within ten of wher/n i w/a/m/s.

i have to say, it wa/i/s/n’t all i hoped it would be. rarely enough of a glimpse to make a difference in anything. and the big variants go too far in every direction to see how they came to be/pass.

decided to test it out with the lottery. boy, that proved an exercise in pain. i discovered chaos vortices, and that they get stronger around any event in which chance is in play.

think of a chaos vortex like a mirror, or maybe a diamond. only it’s infinite. it’s the only thing i found that exists as a paradox in every path. truly unpredictable, even as it sometimes appears predictable. but worst of all is that they are sentient.

yeah. you read that right. sentient.

they look like shadows. i’ve always called them shades. they stalk my dreams, or i guess it would be more accurate to say i find them often when i walk the dreampaths. there is a war that most humans cannot begin to imagine, let alone understand, and it is happening all the time, everywhere, right under your nose and very likely in your blood, too.

entire universes dying in the space of your blink. aeons and races you’ll never know, never hear of, and more than a few you have/will.

shit. do you have any idea how hard it is to be accurate when you’re talking about th/is/at/en/ow? i can’t come up with enough ways to try and be accurate because there is no accuracy. what we know is only what we experience. and the only reason we ever know it is because we believe we did. and we don’t know it at all.

see what i mean? shit. it’s impossible. the shades know it, too. you better believe they know it. it’s one of their best tools/weapons/methods/defenses. anyone who figures it out gets caugth in a chaos/logic/temporal trap – doomed to the psycho wards in our reality, but that’s a blessing, trust me. there are carefully crafted hells that make the white, padded room or the comfortable-yet-spartan-cell in a psych ward light duty.

thing is, i can’t figure out what the point is. was. will be. fuck. whatever. and i’m not so sure i want to try. the last time i spent any real energy on it, i wound up in a shade dungeon. the only thing that saved me was my cat. i suppose it would have been irony to have named her schroedinger, but her name is zen. which is close enough to irony, and perhaps why i’m still aware.

note that i do not say ‘alive’. note also that whatever the reason i don’t, i have chosen to forget it. you can ask why, but it’s kind of pointless, isn’t it?

fucking ironic, really. kind of puts things out of perspective.

i suppose i’ll wind up in the wards eventually if i keep writing about this. i find it interesting that i remember consequences and narrow escapes, but not why… or how… i begin to think i’ve been compromised. for some reason, that has meaning, but it is floating just outside my awareness.

i keep thinking that if i keep thinking, i’ll remember.

something tells me to ask you at this point ‘do you know what i mean?’ but i’m not asking you, even as i’m telling you i’m supposed to ask becau +++ ATO 0x03 0x05 0x0A
System Flow Resumed
se somehow, i know that’s necessary. hopefully this recording will make it to the transcription interface intact. i plan to see these delivered for analysis.

if the sequence has been initiated, i’m fucked. but then, i knew that the moment i saw the gecko fry. five steps in any direction, you’re still you. kinda.

it’s hard to explain, but i’m trying because your help is needed. was needed. will be needed. shit. look… i don’t know when you’re getting this, or if you are, or if you ever will, but if you do — don’t ignore it. i can’t tell you why. i don’t remember. but i can tell you it matters. always did. always does. always will.

they burn. remember that. they know you do, too. but they burn easier. we just scar.