autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Catharsis: Callsign Killswitch Echo Ethos

Today, my last fuck was given.

I gave two hours of my life, all of my trust, and (almost) none of my masks to a neuropsychologist in hopes of finally getting a bias-free, judgment-free assessment and diagnosis.

The result? Quoth the doctor:

“The overall validity of her answers and responses are questionable. For example, she appeared to approach the Personality Assessment Inventory in a manner suggestive of symptom exaggeration and attempts to portray herself in a manner that is more severely impaired than what might be warranted by an objective observer.”

– via notes in MyChart

Setting aside the two rather large matters of (1) directly contradicting my statements and erasing my stated experiences as given, and (2) Purporting there was an objective observer present. (cough)

I have no idea what “appearances” they are referring to as the test was emailed to me as a link, taken at a third-party provider’s site, and I have yet to be given access to the test results via MyChart.

I believe I have a right as a patient to understand the notes being placed in my medical history and to both dispute and request removal of those that do not adhere to ethical guidelines for both professional and theraputic behavior.

So my first reasonable ask is simply that access to the test, scorcing guidelines, and common citations of relevance on interpretation be provided for my review.

[Links are fine and an email reply would be best (i.e., less trouble for you to send, less trouble for me to process on receipt)… feel free to use the MyChart secure messaging system to do so.]

It is my position that the leading paragraph of the notes as present in the MyChart system is both factually unsupportable and detrimental to my credibility as well as my person and in specific, my integrity as a human being.

While I understand the cultural, institutional, and systemic biases that continue as the daily reality and the history that causes them to be so, it is my position that these are affecting my ability to receive the best quality of care, and the most reasonable standard of care for a given human.

From there, one need merely subtract as deduction indicates for every instance of bias such as this being selected over believing, hearing, listening, and supporting me.

I do not intentionally lie. Not even when it might be convenient or helpful or preferred (all the times I see others do so). I manage this with the tenacity of my autistic brain.

I am constantly pressured into having to elaborate on my perspective, intention, and integrity in response to the infringing, impunging, and utterly biased personal views of others that, purportedly, higher education and professional devotion have purged from their being.

I am constantly required to specifically state how and why I find this to be the case.

Insultingly, regardless how accurately I report or how completely and literally I state myself AS myself, my state AS my state, and my thoughts and feeling AS my thoughts and feelings, the first and glaringly reactive flinch I find is this same disbeliving, discrediting, and dismissive bias.

Must I point out the irony of having a neuropsychologist choose to quote my use of ‘neurotypical’ as if the term is invalid otherwise?

I err to the side of explication only because the world is so insistently offensive in its willingness to sacrifice my trust under flag of plausible deniability.

Must I swear under oath to want to work?
Must I swear under oath that I feel constant pain as well as chronic pain?
Must I swear under oath that I have not left my house but for doctor/hospital visits in over seven (7) years?
Must I swear to ever horror of my history under oath so you can find it in your hearts and minds to accept the human in front of you even if she clearly isn’t as you would prefer she be?

I will so swear.

If it will put an end to this constant diatribe of a majority neurotribe who not only refuse to be circumscribe, but now actively overrule my experiences as dishonesty.

It is not to be endured. You are damaging me. I have spent the last several hours in emotional meltdown and only sitting here to type this up at length has calmed me.

Will I send this to all of you? You so called health care, you so called mental health professionals? Why would I be so stupid? My ignorance insisted that if you could just listen and understand me, I could find my trust being reflected back to me.

It has never been so. Not even once.

This is why I am anxious all day, every day, all of my life.

This is why I am depressed and hopeless and disillusioned.

I’m not even asking for someone to care for me “more than usual”. I’m just asking to be treated as well as you treat the people you bias towards.

Because that’s what equity and equality mean.

I am 56 years old. I will be 57 next month.

I have never had what I am asking for, not once in my life. I have always had to fight for it and I am always resented for winning those fights.

I’d ask someone to explain it, but it’s long-known of humanity… seems a bit on the nose.

I just wish someone would pay more than lipservice to the ethics and ideals.

Then again, what kind of fool am I? That’s how I got here and we see how much anyone cares or strives to do more than discredit and dismiss me.

So much anger and I work so hard to transmute it before it must spill. All my words to myself and to you.

Screaming into infinity.