autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Cliffs and Vinings and Left Behind-ings…

They last conversation we had, I recall I told you that many of my male friends over time and life had found partners and, once they did, they dropped out of my visibility and life without much seeming delay and usually, without indicating it was happening. I mentioned that I would like knowing in advance, not that you owed me anything.

And you blew up at me, yelling, “I don’t owe you shit!” When I agreed with you, pointing out that is what I was saying, you brushed it/me off and made your excuses and rang off. That was several years ago. I’ve reached out a few times by email, by phone, but you never respond, and recent calls and voicemails are unanswered as well, which means I must be as bad at taking hints as ever because, well, here I am, writing.

But perhaps I am getting better at it, as this is mostly to tell you that this is my last attempt at keeping in touch. Problem is, I’m not sending it. I’m just posting it to my blog. Because if you didn’t reply and didn’t keep in touch regardless emails and calls before over the last seven years, chances are you aren’t changing your mind.

I hate it that you become yet another human who disappeared without telling me why, or even giving me a last goodbye.

I hate it that I realize in it how little I really mattered. I wasn’t someone special in your life, I was a placeholder until you could find someone you were willing to give that label to… and I was just too stupid to see or understand there was a difference.

I deleted your number and email address today. I don’t want to keep being stupid like this. I am tired of being the one who keeps trying, alone. That isn’t how friendships work.

I’m glad you are happy enough in life that you don’t need or want to talk with me anymore.

I just wish it didn’t feel so personal. But it always does. Especially when I can see no cause.

It always feels so heavy and hurtful when I have to say goodbye like this.

I really wish that was not how we ended, but as you know I always say, ‘it is what it is’.

Goodbye and be well.