autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Compromise is a mutual thing

Most people tend to forget that compromise has, at its core, a foundation of mutual contribution to effect its result. I admit, I forgot it briefly in the midst of trying to find the path to it amongst people who, from all appearances and reactions, had no interest in it.

In fact, I forgot quite a few things as my idealism and staunch belief in mutual goals on a majority of levels lived. It has, of course, died a rather bloody, messy, and utterly unnecessary death, but since all things that come into being eventually cease to be, this is neither a surprise nor an especially difficult thing to accept. (amusingly, it would have been impossible to say that even a week ago but now? it is really quite simple.)

It is a time-worn and accepted reality that the core of my being is a set of axioms that form who I am, what I believe in, what I will strive for, and what I will reject utterly. I freely see, recognize, and accept that this is most definitely NOT how the majority of people I encounter live their lives. (Granted, it took me damn near thirty years to really “get it” but I did, eventually.)

The things that are deeply meaningful to me are disinteresting to others. The things I find imperative, critical, and important are often deemed impossibility, perfectionism, and (frankly) “too much work”. Don’t get me wrong, I know that sounds quite superior and arrogant. I know it does. But I also know it is not so; unfortunately, there is no way to show this to anyone who isn’t prone/capable/interested in seeing it; so, if you find it so, then it is so for you and that’s pretty much that, isn’t it?

For me, it’s a very simple thing: I know by consistent experience that I am just not like other people. Perhaps I am “abnormal”, perhaps merely “quirky”, perhaps simply far too committed to idealism than a human should be. But whatever it is, this is what it is, this is what and who and how I am, and were it something I could change, I would have done so MANY a year ago (when I realized what it was going to mean and how it was going to touch, affect, and shape every thing and every one I interrelate with in the world).

There are certain environments that are supportive and conducive to me and, in them, I shine, thrive, and happily shoulder the heavy lifting with little or no care for credit or much more than knowing that “that wonderful success” was something I had a meaningful part in creating.

There are certain environments that are destructive and impediment to me and, in them, I stew and simmer and restlessly resent the things that mean I cannot possibly hope to work at my fullest capacity, with the entirety of my energy and passion for DOING, or (worse still) my efforts are actively contributing to things that are creating barriers, difficulties, and troubles for the future.

I know that I can see ramifications and outcomes and gaps and the many branches each cause faster, clearer, and further into the distance than most people. It is what makes me a hell of a good analyst. It is also what makes me ridiculously stubborn; as “abnormal”, “quirky” or “idealistic” as it may be, I have a fundamental aversion from and disinterest in doing things that I know are going to contribute to problems or issues rather than resolve them.

Most times, people say things to me like, “But you don’t have all the information and you don’t know why we are deciding this.” It annoys me because it is a wholly irrelevant thing, a literal side-track. No, I don’t know your reasons, but I don’t have to know them to know that this outcome is going to create precisely what it is going to create. Frankly, if you actually understand what it is going to create and STILL want to do it, I am FINE with that…. but until the point where I can know you understand as well as I know what is coming as a result of it, I cannot pretend you understand – that would be slothful, lazy, unethical, and a dereliction of duty; particularly when it is part of my commitment to ensure you understand BEFORE you decide.

People say in response to this, “But your commitment is to do what I tell you, not to ensure my understanding.”

And you know what? The moment they say this, they are absolutely correct.

But not until.


Because until that is distinctly, clearly, and directly said, the operating parameters are the ones set forth that say my commitment is to perform analysis and advise of risks and ensure you understand the risks and the outcomes of their presence; potential, probable, or certain.



The compromise requested of me was to forego my duty because you did not want to understand, you merely want to do what you want to do. I could not do this because, with all I hold valuable or correct, it would be a disservice and dishonoring of both you and myself.

But as soon as you made it clear that you are willing to absolve me the disservice (so I can absolve myself the dishonor) and made it clear to me that your understanding of this compromise accomplishes this – has this result – that I had no further obligation to steward or safeguard, you effectively and completely removed my obligation to continue trying.

Yes, I know, it is “abnormal” or “quirky” or “idealistic” of me and you really wish I was not like this.

I do not think you realize that the sentiment is entirely mutual; particularly when, some period of time from now, you will bemoan the very choices you make in this moment just as you have bemoaned so many choices made in precisely the same fashion (and likely for the very same reasons) all these many years.

This said, the compromise is complete, it is accepted, and my statements are entirely inconsequential; effectively neuter, moot, and futile.

I must admit, after all the wrangling to get to this point, frankly, it is a profound relief.

My only remaining obligation to you is to provide the time for which you agreed to compensate me and to perform whatever tasks you request that do not require stewardship or safeguarding in any way, fashion, or form.

I can say without reservation that, just as I struggled and persisted in attempting before, I will refrain from any attempt in that direction going forward. No, not even if or when explicitly requested.


Because this is not a carousel and the parts of me that are being refused and rejected, devalued and disdained by this compromise are now (rightfully) unavailable to you. It is a loss you will not see or understand, so I doubt seriously that it will affect you at all and perhaps this too, is as it should be. I would much rather you never miss it than to have the experience I have had, of missing and wishing and finding no respite.

Which brings me to my last thoughts on the matter, beyond which I will no longer consider or reflect: Thank you. Sincerely. Thank you for a valid compromise and the resulting respite; I genuinely needed it.