autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Daniel in the lion’s den (thoughts)

I recently learned that my son (now in his 30’s ) has, for the last year or so, been battling cancer.

Daniel: so far as I’ve heard, you’ve beaten it; but I know that battle was not without significant cost. Cost in perspective, cost in medical expenses, cost in strain and stress and worry; I am at once ecstatic that the battle is won and impossibly saddened that I did not know until only recently that this was happening at all.

It is to be expected, I know; ours is (at best) a rocky relation and it has been made clear that sentiments are not mutual and so, this is not a surprise (even as it likely will forever surprise me; I’m kind of stubborn that way).

The emotional or moral support I would have given likely has no context for meaning, things being as they are; so the things I would say likely could only land oddly. “I am glad you’re ok” is just so… infinitely understated. “I want to be there for you” only presses on the sore spot of history. “If you need anything, anything at all, just ask” probably won’t be believed.

That doesn’t change that all of it is here.

I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I remember the relations I had who have died to cancer (all of which I was with to the end) and my mind flinches to think that you’ve experienced and endured any part of any of it. I am grateful to know you are well; that it seems the cancer is in full remission or eradicated. I hope it remains that way and you get to have a far happier and more healthy life.

And, if not, regardless how obviously impossible it is, I hope that someday you will realize and understand that as much as I wasn’t there “then”, I can be “now”… and still want this.

Daniel, I’m glad you are better and well. I hope with all my being that you stay that way for a very, very long time. In the meanwhile, I hope you always, and in all ways, find more than you hope, less than you fear, and all that you need.

I love you.