autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Discovery of Pain

To put it simply, my nerves have been screaming so long and so loud that I did not know there was actually more than one kind of body/internal pain. I’ve been on a new pharma product that ramps up over three weeks. This is nearly the end of week one and I tell you the first day was like ‘a disturbance in the force’; day two was like my entire nervous system sat up and said, “Ok, what the FUCK is going on and why can’t I feel what I’m used to feeling?”

Day three was spent in something very nearing hypnogogia; as I spent the day ‘testing’ for where all the screaming went…. and while it’s not gone, it’s well under the ‘dull roar’ threshold. For the first time in over 20+ years, I am at pain scale 2 and seemingly stable.

Of course, this does nothing for the slipped disk that is all to happy to try and replace the bandwidth anytime I make the mistake of moving my neck (!!), nor does it really help the arthritis in, well, five major joints. But… it greatly softens the presence of an otherwise grueling and inexplicable (?) fibromyalgia.

So, finally, people can stop telling me that I’m just being dramatic.

And they can stop telling me that I’m making shit up.

And they can stop telling me that I just need a better attitude.

And they can stop treating me as if, somehow, I **want** to feel like shit 25/8/367.

Or not. But now that I have proof, there’s a whole lot of this world of “non believers” who just just pucker up and kiss my ass.

I’m sitting here with something living rent free in my left kidney that I CAN FEEL MOVE AROUND and that’s a level of horror I never wanted to know in my life.

I go Friday to find out if the insurance company will let the medical people do the thing to fix this.

Who knows… maybe they say it’s “not medically necessary” and I’ll get to do more than patient wait for an explicit statement.

I will share with you that even I sat typing this, my husband arrived from work with today’s mail and in it, I shit you not, there is a piece of spam from my insurance company talking about how it’s so easy for me to get healthier… I just need to start. Oh, and have a better attitude about it.

And they wonder why I’m mostly incoherent lately… it’s verklempt you inhuman fucking ghouls. I need medical help and you’re too busy playing with Fair Isaac’s math to do what we’ve been paying you to do – cover medical treatment.

I know it’s supposed to be like Vegas, where house odds always favor you, but this is my LIFE, ok? I know it’s only a number to you but I’m kind of attached to it. Hell, I’m just starting to actually LIVE MY LIFE.

I’d kind of like to get back to that as soon as possible. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ask.