autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Getting comfortable with the concept

Mental sands are shifting here. I do not yet know if it is age, intellectuality, observation, or weariness that drives the feeling and increasing conviction that brings me here, to write this. Perhaps, in some ways, it is all of them. Whatever; I know it doesn’t actually matter (the reason) except that I struggle with the sense that I should, (for some ridiculous…. reason!), always know why I am thinking what I am thinking.

Meh. Stalling. Ok.

I am more and more rapidly coming to the conclusion that it is time for me to serious and fully change directions in several key areas of my life. So much so that I believe this statement may well be moot before the reality that “it is time to do so” has already become “it’s being done” while I wasn’t looking (for being all snarled up in trying to figure out why I believe, feel, think this way).

The simple fact of the matter is, I no longer feel happy in the areas of which I speak. Frankly, for two of them, I have not felt happy in a very great while. In fact, for one, I have been waging something of an epic, fucking, battle (!) between what I perceive as “giving in” to the “normalcy” I keep finding around me or holding out for the “excellence” I know is possible.

Frankly, on this count, the war came to rather an abrupt and ignoble halt when my logic asked my emotions, “So, seriously, can you tell me why fighting for possibility is worthwhile in your being when it seems so worthless to everyone else?”

It’s been years since that question has been asked, really, and I still cannot answer it; I suppose it is a strange and amusing little testament that it has taken this long for the rest of me to be willing to (a) admit I STILL cannot and (b) do more than roll all this conversation around in my head.

Succinctly, that I’m putting it here, which means that there’s more going on than thinking and it’s pretty much down to “action time”. Interestingly enough, I don’t have a plan. Strange as it may sound, it just seems things work out better when I don’t. (There’s some irony and humor here that relate to all of this, but I’m only noting it because it’s also a sore spot.)

Upshot – things, they are a’changin’…… again and likely as they should.

This mildly cryptic entry is mostly just about me getting comfortable with the concept.