autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Ides of March, passing

Well, March is almost done. All hail April! For me, March brings the end of the house hunt, a yet-to-be-made decision on whether or not to remain where I am or move north (including another decision on apartment or house rental), a small box of decisions relating to directions in unnamed areas, and a tightening of the social belt to adjust for possibilities flown and snugging about new arrivals. All said, a contenting time here, at the near-end of the month.

This weekend was a planned route of apartment viewings, some well deserved and long overdue personal pampering, and an unusually annoying assignment for the I.T. class that I erred in putting off until the last minute (unusual for me) and only just got in under the wire. Likely not my best work, for all that it met the Rubric requirements. I suspect I’ll take a hit on the references. Meh. Whatever.

On a more personal note, the spikes are smoothing out in relation to new events and people. I can’t say as I enjoy that, since I miss the feeling of being all fluttered up and giddy about life, but perhaps it is reasonable not to let myself get redlined. So I say. (wry grin) It’s kind of odd though, feeling as if I’d be best off not to let myself get all “over the moon”. I never used to let that thought as much as breathe and now, here I sit, throttling back and carefully feeding kindling to it. I think it’s that edge of pragmatism, arriving on time and with a somewhat stern visage. Yes, yes, ok, I get it… be wise about things. (Meh. No fun, that.)

I got a call tonight from (I), who relayed that a recent spin up of hopefulness has flatlined. It was somewhat interesting to have my lines repeated back to me by him. I thought I’d have any number of less-than-positive internals, but I surprised and pleased myself by actually being fully neutral. Poor guy; he was so excited and happy; I just hate that it didn’t blossom as he wanted. He plays it off well enough, but I could hear the sadness. I know the feeling all too well and I suppose that’s what kept all the things I thought I might feel at bay.

Last night was a bout of intensive deep diving with (S); someone I very much enjoy and appreciate, but who has been a bit trapped by inertia and something of a habitual malaise in relation to forward progression in life. We undertook the deep dive into internals and I found myself once more fire-dancing and cauterizing ancient wounds. I spoke with him briefly today and he sounds happier, though I suspect the full resolution of the seeds sown in all that raw, freshly aerated mental earth will be a bit of time to full fruition.

It always feels odd when that moment arrives in which the rare instance of active intercession is called. I do not often engage such things these days as I’ve become rather weary of how it depletes me (and, of course, there’s a considerable amount of responsibility involved in wading in these pools). I remember my lama telling me that the surest sign of need is a corresponding sense of compulsion. Overall, I let the organic drive be what it is and, when I feel it engage, find liberation from any hesitancy. There are those things that happen naturally and those that do not. I embrace the former and eschew the latter and rest my certainty in kamma’s ultimate resolution to all of it.

Heh. Sorry. Half-conversations are not the greatest reading, I suppose. Still, it is only occasionally that I’m actually writing “for you”, so perhaps a grain of salt would not be misplaced, hmm?

Not much more, really. La Brea is calm and serene for the moment, the triangle of life (home, work, heart) has resumed balance, I am feeling a sense of comfortable, loose posture “in the saddle” of it all and, at the end of the day, being able to say that is really quite enjoyable.

Springtime approaches
Slumbering things break surface
Reaching for sunlight

Sense of needful pull
Locus of experience
Hums soft contentment

Growth is a slow thing
No rose is made in a day
All things in due time

Here, at March’s end
This soldier rests, complacent
Serene and at ease