autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.


For the record – you were not abandoned. This is what being abandoned is like:

Also, you were not emotionally neglected. This is what emotional neglect is like:

You were wanted. You were cared for. You were loved. Significant effort, care, and time were devoted to you from the day of your birth right up until February 15th of 2018.

Was I perfect? Far from it.

Did I get it right, all the time? Hardly.

Was there room for improvement, learning, and compromise? Always. 

Did I ever tell you I was sorry I had you… or that I wished I had not? No. That’s never been in my mind or my heart.

Did I ever intentionally harm you or intentionally place you in a position to be harmed? No.

You have treated me as if I have done all these things, and then some.

You continue to insist there’s some great reason why your behavior and estrangement from me is reasonable and rational.

I am no longer willing to endure the hurt and derision your behavior and estrangement causes for me.

If I am to be hurt, let it be but this once more and then, done for this life.

If I am to be derided, let it be in the corners, behind my back, as it has been; you paint with ugly intentions and I will no longer endure this strange delusion you seem to so deeply need.

Even your husband knew you were the shining love of my being. He said as much when we first met, there at the restaurant. You were the one who told me he said so.

Somehow, somewhere, you forgot. I’m going to learn how not to be bothered by you having no interest in remembering.

I spent Mother’s Day 2018 being good to myself in ways you have never been able to manage. Indeed, in ways I couldn’t manage until now due to trying so hard to bend myself into whatever shape you were demanding at the moment.

Do you know how good it feels to no longer feel weighed down by your incessant, aggressive disgruntlement?

This is, I think, the processing of anger… and I welcome it. I want to move on, I want to forget, and I want to be forgotten. Better to be forgotten than to be remembered so poorly and wrongly by another.

I’m glad you have something that makes you happy. I hope you always do.