autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Motivated mindfulness

I am noticing that the only time I notice the general lack of response by others is when I’m really wishing they would be more responsive. Of course, the immediate mental ’round the bush initiates… “Why should your wishes be more important than whatever they have happening in life?” They’re not, but sue for me being someone who occasionally wishes I were more important in their life. The generic “they”, of course, which comprises a handful of people that I admire, respect, care for, and miss talking with…. all of them at distance (some considerable) and most of them having (I hope) stellar and sublime lives.

It’s all self-inflicted angst, of course. I’m bored for lack of things to be doing whilst I press on with the job hunt and there’s only so much of any one thing I can do at a time without losing interest for the repetitiveness of it. I sit here and think (once more) that I really should be doing more with writing. I think as well of spinning out a few more pieces of digital art. I consider getting out and about today while J. is at work. Any of these would be helpful toward alleviating the sense of inertia.

I find it amusing how, sometimes, I will sit home and do nothing because I cannot have the thing I would like best to do. It’s juvenile, really, albeit (until now) on a mostly subconscious level; what, precisely, am I doing by insisting upon doing nothing and, more interestingly, why am I doing it?

I’ll not bore you with the answers to those questions, but I will tell you that the answers convince me that I’ll be doing anything other than sitting home today.

It is nice to own my own choices and actions, even if remembering it occasionally requires the sheepishness of finding myself behaving in less than helpful ways for myself.

Today’s Haiku:

Sitting quietly
Is sometimes an avoidance
Life is for living