autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.


I am in the uncomfortable position of being between a few things at the moment; it’s not exactly stress or pressure as, for the first time ever, I am not facing it alone, all the same, it is bothersome in the way that not being able to manage it myself often makes things.

Oddly enough, I’m not as willing to go into ‘detail’ as I used to be (I know, I know, very strange, eh?); though I suspect it is more sheepishness than true unwillingness that keeps the details locked in my head rather than tumbling down my arms onto this ‘page’ as they were once wont to do.

It is, as it always is, a transient discomfort. This too shall pass, eh? (Doesn’t it always, when you think on it a bit?) But in this moment, I am grumbly for things passed and missed, things I wish had lasted just a wee bit longer than they did and, of course, choices I made that I likely should have made differently (and which may have affected it all).

Naturally, I am also (and rather contradictorily or perhaps even paradoxically) laughing and holding back the figurative foot that wishes very much to kick me. Past is past! What, precisely, does all this running in circles thinking about it accomplish? (Nothing, of course; except making me feel foolish for what I cannot change as I face the “now” and wish it were different.)

Ultimately, I will stop nattering at this. I’m no longer obsessed with the obsessing (or at least, I can allow it for a moment without falling into it for hours, days, weeks… you get the picture).

To center oneself in now, I think, requires precisely this process of acknowledging what is happening in the head and then, putting it into proper perspective. Which is, of course, what I am doing here, now, in “real time”. It helps. I feel better already. For now, anyway. (chuckle)

The nice part of it all is that doing this clears my mind and reminds me as well that all infinite potential of tomorrow and beyond remains regardless the silliness “back there” at the beginning of this post.

What a relief THAT is. 🙂