autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

No, actually, I do not.

To my daughter, recently (self-explanatory):

September of 2008, I was at a work-related event when my phone rang. I flipped it open and said, “Hello?” and a woman’s voice said, “I just wanted to see if you were still alive.” Then, nothing; the call was disconnected.

I wasn’t quite sure I even heard it correctly, as there were many people in the room I was in and the noise levels were a bit high. I didn’t think much more of it, mostly because I hadn’t really pieced together what was said at the moment. Later, however, I did… and the conclusion from that call was manifold:

– had this person really cared if I was alive more than they cared for taking a cut at me, this would not be the chosen method to do so.

– were this person capable of engaging and interacting with me in “positive” ways, this would not be the chosen method to do so.

– if anything, whatever, had changed of this person over the last (almost ten) years, this would not be the chosen method to do so.

– this person wanted me to be upset; both by the call, by what was said, and by the idea that they worried about me.

– this person had no concept or interest in the idea that their perspective wasn’t the only one in play.

– this person had no concept or interest in the idea that truly caring about “whether or not I was alive” would necessitate more than a hang-up call, two years ago, and no apparent interest, concern, or care since.

– this person, through the act as outlined, tells their own truth better than the justification/reason given for taking it; projection as reflection of what’s inside: they wanted me to know they were still alive, they wanted me to be upset, they wanted me to react and respond and re-engage old, negative patterns, and they were willing to be thoughtless, cruel, and uncaring to try and achieve it.

This person is my biological sister.

This person, who obviously both has internet access and is competent in its use, chooses not to make use of the various ways I am accessible online (e.g., my blog, my profile, etc) or even just calling me at work (as my employer is known and their number is accessible).

This person may or may not know love of or for me in their own way. They may or may not be genuinely interested in a relationship. But they, in no way, demonstrate that they have learned something other than passive-aggressive and manipulative methods, nor have they demonstrated that their version of “having a relationship” is something other than the same “be what I need, when I need it, but never fool yourself into thinking I’ll do the same” manner that ultimately ensured my estrangement and the eventual abandonment of the notion of having a sibling.

This person lost me in the moment they were willing to let me be homeless; knowing full well our shared history and that, of all things in this life, returning to that is the only thing I have or ever will truly fear. That they did so knowing equally well that it would mean the same for my child, their niece, is just emphasis to the cruelty of it.

This person has never been a family member to me, has never demonstrated care, love, or concern of or for me, has never behaved or in any way manifested any evidence that such capability exists within them, and has repeatedly, in word as well as deed, demonstrated precisely the opposite.

There is no animal on this planet that, enduring consistent neglect, abuse, and abandonment, would be willing to risk it again on the rather nebulous chance that somehow, magically, the same combination of environment, experience, and motivations will produce different results.

In fact, the textbook definition of insanity is when one follows a pattern known to result in failure and expects the outcome to be different.

I am a human animal, I am not insane, and I gave up on having a sister when it became very, very clear to me that I never had a sister; I had a societal, cultural mandate to someone birthed by the same mother; someone who, obviously, was either never capable or never willing to commit to the things that mandate said should be imperative, important, and incenting between us.

This person is not, nor were they ever, my sister. I have accepted it. I have no interest or need for contact from this person who, in saying they seek only “positive” interactions proves all the more that they have no more faith in possibility (be it mine or their own) than I have herein expressed.

I appreciate your willingness to try and create something new. But something new requires something other than very old, very worn, and very ugly components; all my wishing for different or better has wrought nothing but hurt and disappointment and, frankly, I no longer wish (let alone expect) for things that exceedingly consistent experience prove cannot be.

There is no need to involve yourself on my behalf with this person any further. They are unknown to me but for history and that history is more than enough to ensure my only wish is for them to remain unknown.