autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Of shifting sands in sense and perspective

Something odd has occurred recently in that I’m just not as interested in putting my every thought into writing. Between having it misconstrued and misunderstood to having potential employers inappropriately using my thoughts as a reason to eliminate me from job consideration, there seems to be fewer and fewer reasons to actively share my thoughts at all.

On the one hand, it feels kind of sad; on the other, it’s actually something of a relief. The need to write on a regular basis is, for now at least, fading. I’m wrestling with the annoyance/anger of people doing something to me that they would not want someone doing to them (thank you, potential employers, truly; for if you are of the sort to do this, then obviously, you’re not someone with or for whom I should ever work!) as well as the sense that my ability to openly communicate to the world at large is either ridiculously optimistic (at best) or downright foolishness (at worst).

Silly as it may sound, I preferred to think that, by and large, the average visitor could/would grok that anything appearing here is but a moment’s thought; hardly the constant of my every day and very rarely of any lasting consequence. Indeed, this was rather the point of it all — that I could set any thought here and it could either flourish or fade independently of the mind that fashioned it. This gave me the chance to move through life with a clear head rather than one flooded with all these thoughts AND it allowed me to freely express them as a means of learning their reasonableness and logic or refuting either/both and then, moving on.

I began this process of documenting things because I figured most of us have this same daily effort/challenge of trying to grapple with all the things happening in our heads and that, maybe, someone “out there” might read of my silly struggles and feel themselves less alone in it. You know, that whole, “Oh wow, look, I’m really NOT alone in this.” feeling.

I am entirely too willing to invite empathy, it seems. Ironically and somewhat frustratingly, it lately seems much more likely to invite judgment and exclusion (the precise opposites of what is intended or sought). Which, of course, means it is no longer serving its intended purpose.

I’ll not be taking this site down; it’s been too much for too long to deserve such an ending. This said, entries here will likely become very sparse and tightly controlled. Perhaps I’ll make it a more creative site than a reflective or contemplative one. I haven’t decided or figured it out just yet.

Meaning, made within
Cannot be known by others
Only projected