autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Oh look! It’s another year….

So then, here’s a “new year”. I find that I oscillate between thinking/feeling that human segmentation of time is meaningful and that it is utter bullshit. I’m somewhat in the middle ground at this moment, which lends either “meaningful bullshit” or “bullshit meaning”, I suppose.

This is mostly because there is a core that believes all experience is meaningful even as there is a significant part of me that ponders things like, “what meaning can this (my life) possibly have if/when it is such a silly blip on the infinite screen of all existence?”

Naturally, my children and the people whose lives I’ve changed (both those I know of and those I do not) likely differ for diverse and polarized reasons. Still, I sit here and look at “2012” and I feel kind of weary of the whole “keeping time” idea.

Part of me nods to the reality that I’ve spent a lot of time keeping time of and for people; their comings and goings and all the various things that sometimes seem to be “such a big deal” but, ultimately, are really rather pointless.

You know, like when was the last time that X got in touch with me that wasn’t based on my nagging them? Or, when was the last time that Y actually invited me out? Silly, stupid things that really shouldn’t matter….. except they do. You know what I mean; we all want to feel like we belong and matter, like when we’re not around, we’re missed, blah blah blah… you get the notion.

I suppose it’s almost a form of insecurity in some ways, isn’t it? But it blends here, in this moment, as I sit here and ponder “the meaning of it all”, and “why any of it REALLY matters at all”, and of course, “am I wasting my precious little time to ‘be here’ on this?”

Or, an even more sombre question: “Well, if not this, what?”

Let’s face it, I can have “a different life” any damn time I want to have it; I mean, REALLY want to have it. Sure, it would be a lot of change and some struggle and maybe even some discomfort, but it’s not like I have no choice.

Simple fact 1: I have every fucking choice I care to make/take.
Simple fact 2: I have no moment in my life where I lack the presence of the previous statement.

Of course, I really do not care to think about all the things I’d have to do to really change some of the things I’d like to see change in my life. It just makes me feel tired, you know? The things I’d like to see change in my life require heavy lifting of the sort that it took to get me out of my nascent environment to where I am at present. (You have no earthly idea and I hope you never have to develop it.)

I feel…. hm. I think I feel resentful. Old resentments, really, now that I’m digging through it/them. It makes me laugh at myself; how many times in your life do you say/think to yourself, “Hah! See! I finally have THAT licked” only to turn around scant time later and find it staring you, bug-eyed and challenging, right in the damn face?

Some things I am simply not going to have in this life. Either because I am tired of pushing for them or because the time/circumstances/environments through which they could reasonably be nourishing into being are… well… at least a decade behind me.

All of this muttering to myself to, in essence, say, “Damn it; here comes another year in the ongoing book of my life.”

I know it’s not “a bad thing”… but damn. 2012. I feel….. old.