autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

On relationships (or lack thereof)

First and foremost, I am anything but a weak, needy or desperate person. I have weathered storms that would break most people I know. I have been through hell with nothing but what slivers of sanity I possess and a willpower that must be genetic because I have no other explanation for how I wound up with it. I have been in gang wars, through a weekend of terror with a psychopath who was determined to murder me, through three bouts of homelessness, a history rife with horrors that I will not detail here, and a long list of various “adventures” of a sort one usually finds in movies or books.

Through it all, I have sworn that I would not let this life or anyone in it make me “like them”; the many “thems” who were players and perpetrators in the above history. Through it all, I have steered clear of becoming what one would expect of such a life mostly by polarizing against what I have endured.

It has not always been easy. It has not always been what I would prefer. I wanted the same things we all want and, for the most part, I have never had them. I have had approximations of them; flimsy, cardboard cutouts of them; polystyrene models with all the right pieces and appearances, but never quite capable of managing life. I’ve endured that, too, because sometimes, you’d just rather have the facsimile than do without.

I think the thing that has kept me alive and functioning has been hope and idealism. I have always known that what I have known is NOT the way it is “supposed to be”, even as I have also always known there’s really no such thing as “how it’s supposed to be”.

I guess you could call it a paradox, but, over time, I have found understanding and meaning in it. “How it is supposed to be” is a combination of our best potential and our highest motivation toward it. Sure, it’s generally impossible…. except for when it isn’t. I’ve seen enough exceptions to the rule to know they are possible and that has been the nourishment that has kept me going. Even one occurrence is enough to sustain it. Hope is diamond. Idealism, not so much, but close.

Why am I rambling about this? Because I am reminding myself of it. And because I am reminding myself that the only time I am subject to disappointment or disdain by others is when I permit it.

For the last several weeks, I have struggled to engage a relationship with someone. The only problem is, they only want the relationship when they have nothing better to do. Well, no, actually, there’s two problems… no, three. First, they treat me like I am a telephone; something to be placed on hold and to sit calmly in a corner until they wish to be with me. Second, they do not listen or accord my thoughts and feelings import. Third, I let them be this way and have done nothing about it.

Well, until tonight.

I decided tonight that I would tell them very plainly that I did not wish to hear from them until they could give me more than words in relation to having or being willing to make time to have a relationship with me. It was and is, I think, the best possible demonstration of the issue (from my perspective, anyway) and a prime opportunity to discover, once and for all, just how well (or not) they were paying attention or how willing they were to vest interest and consideration of me.

I very pointedly told them not to call and not to text me. That I did not wish to hear from them or talk with them until they could show me more than tell me that I was important to them, that they wanted me to have a place in their life, and that they were willing to make time for these things as well as include me in their life.

The response? An string of texts, and a series of phone calls. One every five or ten minutes for the last two hours.

Anticipating this reaction (having some degree of insight to the dynamic, at last), my phone’s ringer is off.

How fucking sad is it that I have to turn off my ringer to avoid being harrassed? Or that it has, apparently, completely slipped their thought process that I might MEAN WHAT I SAY.

I sit here now and I ponder what it is about me that makes men think I’m willing to be treated like this. It seems to be that kindness and openness is, inevitably, taken as weakness or gullibility or a willingness to be trod upon.

I hold no such willingness, I am not gullible, and I am certainly not weak, as this person is now discovering. I have made it very clear that, while I have few criteria, those that I do have are inviolate; boundaries that are thickly drawn, cemented in place, and for damn good reason.

No, I am not chattel to be picked up when bored and set in a corner at preference. Nor am I so bereft of self-esteem or confidence that I am willing to endure such treatment just to “have someone around”. I am a strong, intelligent, savvy, warm, caring, giving, open, kind, sexy, thoughtful, independent, and self-sustaining woman. I will not be drawn into “relationship games” nor will I permit myself to be treated as anything other than an important and meaningful person in the context of a dating relationship.

No, I will not sit around and wait and hope you show up when you say you’re going to… and no, I will not accept excuses and last minute cancelations. No, I will not put up with being left out of your circle of friends, and no, I will not understand when this becomes a pattern rather than a rare occasional occurrence.

I am not interested in you because I have to be, but because I choose to be…. and if you cannot grant that the meaning and honor and respect it is due, then obviously the only error is my choice to grant my interest to you.

I do not allow my errors to go unrectified.

That is all.