autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.


every night, cuddled up with your wife
every day, playing at being father
every spare moment, fishing for fools like me online
you did say you had destructive tendencies
and i told you to be thankful you found me
and not someone willing to ruin your life

but you knew that long ago
what you didn’t know
what you didn’t care
was that i meant it in ways you never did
was that i meant it in ways you never could

i sit here in the middle of the fifth month
and i am so very very glad
that i hurt, that i cry, that i ache, that i grieve
because it means i’m not like you
because it means i really am alive, i feel
because it means i was not wrong to care and to love
i was just wrong to waste it upon you

i might as well have loved a rock, a tree, a drop of water
at least these would have been known as unfeeling
rather than masquerading behind a veneer of humanity
as you have, as you do

she was right about you, you know
you are a cold, unfeeling bastard
only a robotic, unfeeling one like you could do this
only a cold and callous mind could know how this would feel and hurt
and then, do it anyway

i see you better in the empty space left by your abandonment
i know you better in the quiet you left behind
and i feel sad for your wife, your son, who will wait all their lives
for something you cannot give them
for someone you cannot be
receive instead the same clever mask and make believe
that you gave to me
you live by hurting others because it is the only way you can feel

for all my many ‘finally’s’ over these five months
for all my words hiding hopes that i could be wrong about you
for all your inability to prove me right by proving me wrong

i would rather be alone all my life than ever again be your vicarious feeling
i stand before the pyre, the last and fullest conflagration
let all the earth burn, be scorched and charred and never again a green thing grow

you aren’t worth more than the mention of anger
you aren’t worth the time and feeling i spend upon you
you aren’t worth the care and love i tried to give to you

you do not deserve me
i surely never deserved you


i am done