autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Searching for “home”

I believe I have written here and there about the nebulous concept of “home” and how, for me, life has largely lacked such. I recall very clearly time spent in Houston, at the nadir of the dot-com bust, post-trauma and lamenting all the things “lost” and, amongst them, the first home I had ever purchased.

In that moment, I realized that the concept of “home” has very little indeed to do with a particular set of walls, a floor plan, a location, or even a sense of belonging as such. Instead, for me at least, it was and is about the feeling of things being “correct” (or, as a lost friend used to say, “all things in their right place”).

At that time, in that place, I never thought I would again feel “correct”. Of course, feelings are very transient and, as you may know, that feeling passed. I suppose you could say the concept itself passed; it has since shifted and, today, would be more correctly said as, “realizing that what now is, as it is, IS ‘correct’.”

It proves a remarkably liberating thing, this sense of assurance in all things being correct, just as they are; it is certainly easier to simply “be” and “do”, and it is less cumbersome or bothersome to decide “what to do” as well (at least so long as the decision may be made with the sense that good intention and best aspirations for all who might be touched by it or its outcomes are concerned).

I realized recently that I have “been home” for quite some time now; the funny and odd part is, I had to be here a while to realize this is the case. I guess that I have gotten slightly less attentive of late; the compulsion to reflect has lessened and this seems to result in the “lag time” of recognition and such.

Regardless, it is quite enjoyable to feel as if I “am home” and to understand that “coming home” is more about finding home in oneself than somewhere “out there”, in the world.

All of this occurs as a direct result of once more engaging the house hunt. Fortunately, regardless outcomes of the weekend yet to come, I do not have to spend any energy or emotion on finding or losing a home.

What a fortunate and beautiful thing. 🙂