autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Slow progress and chronological errors

I’m up to age 13-ish and I find the portion of this library is sloven and disorganized. I’m already tired of trying to get it in enough order to show anyone. I’m moving slowly as I want to make sure I include details that allow the sincere reader to fact-check for themselves. If I could afford to have it all gathered, I would. I suspect I can pull all medical records and that may well be enough to vouch all but the children’s home.

Even approaching things makes my anxiety spike, sets my afib into motion, and essentially assures I spend the afternoon trying to be limp like broccali so my body and its chemistry will stop over-reacting to every damn thing.

I’ve asked my neuro / spine doctor to queue me up for a diffusion MRI – so they can all SEE the pain and nerve damage I’m talking about… and so they can see that there is ANOTHER issues causing pain right alongside any possible diabetic neuropathy. And it may well be that my body just can’t regulate at all due to the decades of life-threatening stress both in and out of the workplace.

I am determined to move through and past the medical gaslighting and dismissiveness.

I am determined to redress the common judgment of me as ‘faking’ to ‘being over-dramatic’, to any number of negative assessments presuming their unwillingness to just LISTEN and treat the things I hold as primary plaints.

I fear I will return to the wheelchair; as I already have lost the ability to stand or walk longer than a half hour (if lucky) and can neither reliably bend nor operate my arms/hands/neck as is reasonably expected.

At the moment, my left hand is almost fully asleep and my shoulders are very upset. The barometric pressure has finally stabilized for the morning, but it will be on a rave when the evening showers arrive.

My knees keep trying to bend backwards. I think about all the issues I’ve still not spoken of because the ones at the top of my list seem to just get blown off. But, for the record:

  1. Constant upper torso pain; including sharp, jabbing pains in my left forefinger, throughout my wrist, and up my arms to aggravate my shoulders and neck.
  2. Constant hip and lower back pain that feels like skin, muscle, and ligaments are burning or heating up.
  3. Constate skin and eye sensitivity to light, pressure, and irritants that trigger intense allergic response (I have actually gotten pneumonia from this… twice!).
  4. Constant thigh ligament pain and some cramping at the knee.
  5. Recurrent knee inflammation and patella movement (slipping around, bending backwards like elbows and fingers, ankles do).
  6. Constant lower leg pain do to unknown protuberances and related nerve, ligament, and muscles or bone issues.
  7. Constant, intrusive tinnitus that will not go away.
  8. Gastro-intestinal sensitivities up to and including irritable bowel responses, sudden or explosive diarrhea, often in direct response to stress or threat situations (i.e., stressful day? welcome to two to three days of chronic diarrhea, if you’re lucky.)
  9. Oh, and let’s not forget the stress of having lost work, home, car, and frankly, hope of my ability to physically/mentally recover.
  10. Finally, the stress of having every fucking one of my doctors treat me like I’m mental or delusional for insisting that I FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND IT INTENSELY AND NEGATIVELY IMPACTS AND AFFECTS ME.

Which is why I mostly just try not to move around a lot and hope that someday, the state disability board can understand what it means suffer from CHRONIC PAIN.

I am so tired.