autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Spiky Profiles – A Secret In Plain Sight

two panel, stacked vertically; top panel represents austim as a top to bottom spectrum, with two beings speaking of it as 'very autistic? no!' and 'little autistic? no!', the bottom panel has circle with pie slices of trait categories prevelant in autism, with two beings speaking as follows, 'we're both autistic' and 'but we have different strengths and difficulties'. the pie slices are labeled as follows: social skills, communication, repetitions, executive function, interests, perception, sensitivities, other. the credit is @autism_happy_place

The correct, lower panel is presenting an item referred to as a ‘spiky profile’, in which unique combinations of strengths and weaknesses in trait areas associated with autistic spectrum disorder (ASD or autism).

The spike (trait) areas our profile focuses on are those in which we are known to experience differences in either phenotype or neurotype that mean our behaviors and responses vary, sometimes extremely when experiencing overload, overstimulation.

It can also mean that we need more time to perform our processing; this can, but does not always mean that we need more time TO process, but it can also mean that we are processing much more data across many other areas, and this literally takes more time (I am the latter, and it infuriates me when people assume I’m slow when I’m basically four years ahead and plotting my way to ten).

My point is, neurotypicals in specific and humans in general assume the reasons for our differences and often, prefer to pathologize them because of COURSE different is ‘bad’, our ‘difficulties’ are never caused by assumptions and mistakes of others (SARCASM!!!), thus we are ever the ‘lessor’ and ‘inferior’ in all connotations and contexts.

In reality, no difference is ‘bad’ or ‘lessor’, let alone ‘inferior’-making of the human who demonstrates it as behavior. It is like polity – it is but different. There is no need to attach refinement and qualification. The urge to do so? THAT is the bias. That is the ablism. That is the allistic culture and society prodding you to ‘remember, citizen, all things may only be accepted or rejected’.

The driver of the allistic and ablist is economic predation. Literal.

I point out to you that there is no context of rightous or justified inability in this culture or this society. There is ONLY “dis”ability.

Accidents ‘cripple’ or ‘disable’ you as a ‘free pass’ or a ‘get out of self-sufficiency free card’ – permission to access basics (more often, permission to receive a widow’s mite as if it is a liveable wage any more than that which this same economic predation is killing our youth and middle aged workers even as I type).

The same economic predation that is tearing the gates from ’round our children as I type, too.

Ah, I disgressed. Back to it….

Every human has a spiky profile of things they are ‘good’ at or ‘bad’ at, etc.

And the one you would create for yourself is different than the one your friends and family and coworkers, etc would create for you. (Reference: Third face, three selves, blind spots, etc.)

Which of the bunch do you think should be the one associated with you first? The one you create for yourself, yes?

This is why I say, ‘Identity is declared, not assigned.’ For, if the individual matters, then the statement of the individual in relation to themselves must be held sacrosanct.

And yet, for me, as an autistic human, a considerable amount of my statements in relation to myself are not only denied, but actively rejected in that manner which cannot but point to an authoritarian interest in maintaining an ‘othering’ and a ‘lessoring’ and a ‘second classing’ of myself.

I can detail for you at length the how, why, and wherefores of it. I’ve watched it like the wrecking ball it has been in my life, over and over, the actions and behaviors and edicts of others interjecting and dominating my being, my body, my choices, and my righteousness in saying these things are unethical and wrong; that the system that permits them all with negligent indifference at worst, and malicious, misfeasance in norm, and at such rank weight and persistence that the rare ‘best case’ can only arrive when the cure cost has eclipsed its ability to support.


Well, let’s start with the spiky profile, shall we?

The spiky profile I would create for myself is not accepted when I state it, me of and about myself.

It is not allowed. It is not enabled, endorsed, empowered, indulged, invested, nor permitted. (Don’t kid yourself, I can do the alphabet entire. I resist only for YOU, dear reader. Recognise.)

But let an NT set forth such a thing? Oh, well, entire organizations do that as part of /team building culture/.

Mine is not accepted because it is NOT LIKE the rest. Mine is not accepted because ‘disability’ and ‘disorder’ are the labels applied to me; because my difference has been judged and in it, has been found lacking.

Mine is not accepted because it requires exceptions to rules that allow and enable, endorse and empower, indulge and invest in, and permit only those who may be economically exploited at a minimum annual threshold of benefit and profit.

Mine is not accepted because it costs more and my difference does not (yet?) qualify as not being my own fault.

I mean, let’s just call the spade the spade, shall we? All differences of the mind are automagically the fault of the one who lives with them. Even when they’re not, they are… haven’t you noticed?

In this, the ultimate accusation makes itself; the cultural euphemisms and societal tinsel and all the orchestration of role and obligation and superogatories fade away and all that is left is the putrefying core foaming in its own little oven of ego and xenophobia as it whispers of genetic impurities no less sincerely as ever.

No one believes eugenics is still a thing who is neurotypical and able; but the fact that ‘being disabled’ is a process by which business, culture, governance, and society jointly declare and set an edict of “disability” upon a human that does not so much qualify them for human care and support through end of life as condemn them to a life of hoping to break badly enough to be permitted to have a standardized quality of life.

And, of course, understanding a pace and in real time that no matter how bad my pain is every day, no matter how much I cannot stand, walk, lift, bend, and no matter how much autistic differences cost me job after job (which they never get called to task for… as it’s always and only and ever my fault, right?), and no matter how much people refuse to hire you, so long as my brain doesn’t totally collapse under the weight of the depression, trauma, and pain, absolutely no one will do anything more than tell me that I ‘don’t qualify’ for help.

It never occurs to anyone that a break under this load isn’t likely to be recoverable.

Because, as I am finding all too usual, they don’t actually care; what they do care about, the economy of it all, would really just rather I hurry on up and stop taking up resources.

What I need or want has just never been part of anyone’s equation in this arena.

Because it isn’t a consideration of human ethics and rights and values. Just economy and profit, and I can no longer be exploited.

As a human resource, it seems I am the perfect biodegradable disposable.

Secrets in plain sight.