autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Spring Fever?

Monday moodiness; perhaps spring fever, I’m not sure. It’s all “Meh, blah, blergh, and ugh!” at the moment, mostly for the inertia and waiting (and the reality that I just do not do “boredom” well at all). The recent ruminations over Sambaddha and the reality that the market I wish to serve isn’t mature enough to build upon combined with the ongoing effort of seeking income overall is beginning to wear upon me. The pattern of particular annoyance of late is that so many people boggle with/at/for me still looking and yet, none of them need to employ me themselves; something about having accolades at my feet reminds me of the wisdom of not being attached to them (they don’t pay the rent, feed you, or keep you warm anywhere but in your ego).

I am on the verge of recanting and closing Sambaddha as every hint of strong demand that motivated me to ramp it up has withered in the face of acceptance and confirmation of willingness to engage. There’s nothing like watching folk back up like a semi-trailer stuck in reverse as soon as you take them up on their stated interest to purely de-motivate you (well, it does me).

All in all (and the above said), life is still quite good; home life is beautiful in ways long overdue, my mind/heart/being are more content and comfortable than they’ve been in years, college goes well, and opportunity abounds (even if mostly as nebulous possibility in the work sector at the moment).

I feel antsy; I dislike idling because it feels so damn…. idle. Hah! I suspect this would be a grand chance to return to the practice of enjoying “what is”; maybe that is something “to do”. Hrm.

Boredom, it is said
Teaches who you are beneath
All the things you do