autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.


Surely, you’re welcome to visit. Just don’t mistake the invitation. Ask before touching, especially the stuff that is sitting on the shelf screaming for exploration. Don’t mind me if I’m jumpy and act odd; I’m not exactly used to having company. Try not to laugh when I suggest inane things or become skittish and prefer to watch you from across the room. Lots of memories of indoor moments that were supposed to be safe and weren’t. It’s not you, of course, it’s me. But I suppose that’s what they always say, isn’t it? Sometimes, there’s just not much help for being at the mercy of all the misuse of words in the name of anything but communication.

I just realized there is an unintended entendre in my invitation. I wish I were saucy enough to have intended it. Hrm. No, no, correction, I intended it but wanted the safety of it being plausibly deniable. I rub the sore spot of giving up the veil, even as I know it was transparent. That’s the thing about extended introspection, contemplation, and self-analysis, you tend to become quite terrible at hiding things you really don’t want to hide.

Mental image analogy – sitting on a bicycle, feet on the pedals, trying to move backwards, trying to move forwards. You ever notice you can’t go much of anywhere when your feet are busy playing out the commands of a bifurcated mind?

I had a good chance to actually look at my head this morning. The reality of the last two month’s stress horrifies me. I look like someone starting chemo. That may be an entirely too accurate analogy, but at least I’ve got the comfort of remission. No, not literally. Word play.

I know the moon is full without having to look.

I am beginning to hate the taste, smell, and feel of Djarums. I do not as much as think of quitting as I begin to think perhaps I’m a non-smoker. But I think it really means that maybe I’m willing once more to live.

Damn it. Who uncorked the worms? (Interesting. They used to be snakes.)

Early morning thoughts
Never organized, so loud
Rudely unruly

Core dump, complete. Bootstrapping a normal day. Hope yours goes well.