autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

That handy accusation… it is tiresome

I have interesting karma. I mean, I’ve known it for a while now, but sometimes, the way it arrives still bemuses and surprises me. It took me a while to become willing to part from people who cannot help but be abusive. It took me even longer to accept that doing so was not some statement of my lacking (why can’t I hang in there, just “take it”, and maybe things will be better on the other side?), but actually, more so of my healthiness and a reasonable care of and for myself.

It continues to annoy me that, inevitably (I mean INEVITABLY) these from whom I distance myself conclude (and proceed to proclaim to anyone who has ears or eyes) that “She’s mentally unstable.”

It is laughable, really. No one who has ever said that phrase in relation to me has known enough of my life to know how utterly ludicrous such a statement is… or why it really IS laughable. Let’s just say that I had plenty of both opportunity and reason to “embrace insanity” early in life and frankly, if I managed not to do it then, I doubt very seriously that encounters now will suddenly “break me”.

Projection of perception, yes, yes, there you are… again… and here I am again, saying nothing back, doing nothing to make it worse, basically just trying to keep myself to myself so I don’t inadvertently harm anyone…. and trying to remind myself that, obviously, you don’t know me (or anyone to whom you do this) that well if the sole factor in determining the mental state is how well I (or they) live up to your expectation.

Of all the accusations that someone might try to leverage, this one has the least “oomph” behind it… the very least bother. You see, I have often wished I were less than sane so I wouldn’t feel so close to losing my sanity over some of the things that people are willing to do and say.

And I often wish I were quite insane so I too, could have nary a care for how my actions and choices might impact or injure another.

Indeed, I sometimes wish I could have that blithe craziness that just KNOWS it’s right and just KNOWS it has all the answers and therefore, can so easily sling those stones and pass those razors over whatever is foolish enough to get close enough to allow them to make contact.

Alas, I’m not. (I say it with only mild wistfulness, I swear.)

But I must admit, it gets damn wearying at times, all the “just letting it go”… even if my logic is spot on that it’s the best and healthiest way to do things… not to mention the most karmic and rightful.

How crazy am I,
that I keep letting this go?
Apparently, very.