autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

The things that matter in life

Have you ever just sat down and made a list of the things that matter in life? I do it every now and then to keep myself in touch with myself, with reality, and of course, with others to the extent I have such in my life.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very much as if I am not someone who matters to anyone very much in this life. No, truth be told, I’ve been feeling that way for, well, all my life, if I’m honest. I am not certain it is possible that I feel any other way. I am trying and have tried. But no one listens or hears me when I say, “I am tired and have nothing left to give” and “I am ill and I need emotional and medical support urgently” or even “I do not think I can keep waiting for what I urgently need”.

The hard thing about protecting the reality that I matter is that now, it more often causes separations than mends them. I suppose that’s telling in its own way – that when I protect myself to assure my needs are met, others no longer care to care for me. Or just outright take off.

Now that I know I matter, it’s actually harder to understand why I seem to ever wind up needful and bereft, or heart-broken by the bald reality that if i can’t walk outside and obtain it myself, chances are, I’m going to wait until either ill or near death to get anyone to prioritize me.


Why do I need others

With winters alone

Despite those around


I am sick.

I am tired.

I am sick of being sick and tired.

No one cares.