autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.


i found a hole in my heart today. at first, i thought it was a trick of the light, shining over me. i turned over and curved inside, looking closely at it.

it is small, so small i almost didn’t see it. but i felt it. for some time now i have felt it. it feels like touching an old scar. no pain, just that odd and empty feeling where once there was sensitivity.

i’m leaking out through it, of course, but slowly. i would never have thought to look at all were it not for the strange patterns on the ground when i look behind me. spatters, you know. but oddly colored and shimmering, kind of like a rainbow might look if it ever puddled on the ground.

i’m not sure how i’m supposed to feel about it. i’m not afraid. i’m not despairing. i’m not worried. i suppose i should be, after all, a heart can only hold so much and what happens when it all leaks out, right?

but i have a weird feeling that’s not how it works at all. in fact, i cannot help but feel it is a good thing. counter-intuitive, i have a sense that rather than wish it would close, i should wish it increase. i’m not sure what that means, and this may sound insane, but i feel hopeful about it.

i never expected to have a hole in my heart. of course, i never expected i would bleed a rainbow if ever i did.

then again, i remember when i wondered if i had a heart…. and when i feared the rain.