autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Transition, insight, and release


You want to know what passive-aggressiveness is? It’s when you withdraw, avoid, and refuse to respond as a means of punishing others for perceived hurts. You know, just like your own fucking explanation in the first paragraph. (Not to mention the direct acknowledgement that you knew the effect.)

You want to know what passive-aggressiveness is? It’s when you use the label and force of guilt associated with passive-aggressiveness to attempt to make someone else feel as if they cannot and dare not express themselves because that label is hanging over the doorway, waiting to drop onto them if they do so.

You want to know what passive-aggressiveness is? It’s taking any situation and turning it around to attempt to say that your perspective, your opinion, and your needs or wants are more important than anyone else’s and insinuating that anyone who disagrees is trying to hurt, damage, or attack you.

You want to know what passive-aggressiveness is? It’s actually being passive-aggressive enough to say (and I quote), “… you refused to let me make final statements about…” (sic).

REFUSED TO LET YOU? Really? Really. Newsflash, buddy, there’s a huge difference between what you can or can’t do and what I am interested in (or even capable of) of “letting” you do.

Fact: You did make a final statement about fearing how knowing me might “ruin your life”. YOU DID MAKE THAT STATEMENT. Problem is, you didn’t treat it as a FEAR, did you? Instead, you treated it as (and continue to treat it as) a FACT. Your fear is NOT fact. It is your fear. And that, Patrick, IS A TEXTBOOK DEFINITION OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS.

And no, Patrick, you do not get to say that your fears are facts of reality anywhere outside your own head.

And no, Patrick, you do not get to say that your fears have to be incumbant upon anyone but you.

And NO, PATRICK, you do not get to use your fears to browbeat someone into accepting YOUR passive-aggressiveness.

You don’t trust me with your feelings? No shit, Sherlock. I KNOW that. But I think you got it wrong because it’s pretty damned obvious that it isn’t that you don’t, it’s that you CAN’T. You haven’t even tried. You’re too afraid TO try. And here you’ve been trying to blame me for it. As if it is my fault that you don’t know how to try!

You’re a god damned manipulative fucker, aren’t you? WHEN, PRECISELY, have you actually trusted me with a fucking thing? NEVER. NOT ONCE. You haven’t trusted me with a thing… not to meet Maggy, not to be around your friends, not to know your exultations (if you even had any), none of it. Nothing but this weird little game of dancing around whining about how afraid you are and waiting to see how much of myself I’m willing to chain down and hand you control of because it’s the only way you can function.

You don’t know what it IS to trust someone with your feelings unless they’re so boxed in and powerless by your passive-aggressiveness that YOU can feel safe. Well tough shit, dude, life’s not safe. Get the fuck over it or go live in your basement and try to make everyone you meet agree to crawl in your little metal box so you can even fucking deal with them.

You want to know what trust is? Well take a good long look:

Trust is having exactly the same fear and engaging you anyway.

Trust is not knowing what the outcome will be and taking the chance anyway.

Trust is giving someone the ability to hurt you and having actual, solid, and demonstrated belief that they will not do so.

Trust is inviting someone into your home when doing so has seen you raped for it.

Trust is inviting someone into your life when it’s patently obvious you’ll never be more than secondary and liking what you think you see in them enough that you’re willing to do it anyway.

Trust is having them smear you with their fear and being willing to consider putting up with it for even a MOMENT.

No, Patrick, I am NOT passive-aggressive and the only thing you have proven to me with this pathetic effort is that, of all the things that might be healthy or happy or hold potential, continuing to allow you to cut at me because you don’t know how to engage others unless they agree to be only what you want, when you want, and how you want is not MY problem, it is YOURS.

I have spent this last month groveling in the fucking mud to show you how utterly harmless I am and all you can manage is to concoct bigger and badder ways to insinuate bad things, ill intent, and horrible things. Maybe you need those horrible things, fuck if I know. But I what I do know is that I certainly do not. And I’m not going to accept them. Not even for the things I know are under them wishing for the end of all fear.

Don’t attack you, Patrick? Fuck you. What you sent to me was the most vicious passive-aggressive attack I’ve seen in a LONG, LONG time. And I almost fell for it. Almost. How laughable. I almost fell for it because, for a moment, I actually thought that bowing and accepting such as this from you would demonstrate how untrue it is to you.

But no, that doesn’t happen either, does it, Patrick? No surrender is ever enough. Which is why you just can’t engage. I get it. Oh, boy, do I get it.

Go ahead, Patrick; I want you to withdraw. PLEASE GOD, FUCKING WITHDRAW. But don’t you dare stop at ten leagues, you manipulative, passive-aggressive fuck. Don’t you dare try to contact me. Your emails are auto-forwarded back to you and routed to the trash. I will not see them. I will not see you. I will not talk to you. I want NOTHING to DO with you. Be gone. Take your passive-aggressiveness, your fears, and your impotence to do or be more than their victim and take them with you straight to hell.

(MP3 Available: Transition Insight Release – NSFW and frankly, recorded and placed here mostly to remind myself just how and why I absolutely abhor passive-aggressive behavior and really need to sever all ties the moment the behavior manifests. It just never brings more than the same painful things.)