autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.


I have spent much of my life being taken to task for not being neurotypical, often simultaneously with having my enhanced competencies exploited. Were I to list the things I have had stolen from me over the years by the tech industry, you would boggle. But no one will believe or care because I can’t get to the evidence to prove it. And those who DID it? Oh, they are very pleased with themselves indeed.

I was so ignorant and naive. Empathy and passion may as well have been sieved from me by IV, so completely did I devote myself to “passing regard” in this culture, this society. Never managed it. Still don’t. I sit at home and wait to see if I’ll die of sepsis before they deal with this massive kidney stone and the infections which are chewing on me even as I type.

If I live, then I get to wait to see if the SSA agrees that 24 years of #toxicstress followed by 30+ years in the wood-chipper that is corporate America has disabled me. I am unable to endure the policies and requirements and neurotypical callousness that are, well, “normal” in this country and apparently, this world.

(Do not talk to me about accommodations; all that an application with a request gets is rejected.)

I spend most of my days putting my decades of experience to work as the weak link connector that I am.

I don’t seek credit.

I don’t want fame.

I have no interest in celebrity.

I just want to be healthy and help as many as I can to feel and know they are not alone. Our struggles are not exclusive to one another; the intersections have many more parallels than corners.

And if I can’t have that? Then I may as well spend the rest of my time and energy making sure that what skill and expertise I have are put to good use, charitably, by laying down the declarative and insisting that ethic must remain intact if humanity is to survive at all.

I mean, no one will hire my amazing brain to sit here and do work for them. And my body won’t let me move around enough that I can go out and earn as once I did (not to mention the ageism… that’s another post). And that is well before we even BEGIN to talk about (whispers) MY AUTISTIC BEING AND HEALTH.

Hell, I have maybe 3 hours a day I can sit or stand, and that has to be spread out in 10-15 minutes segments or my hips/back/knees just flip the fuck out.

I cannot keep my head upright without support, and regardless support, there is constantly pain, nausea, migraines, and vomiting. Those busted disks and angry nerves and stenosis are not fucking around. (sigh)

The massive staghorn calculus in my left kidney hurts all day, every day and has done so since 2017. I can hardly pass what must be passed and my “new patient” appointment is on the 27th of this month…. but that just means it will be weeks or months before they actually get this damn thing OUT OF ME.

My right kidney is starting to hurt and I cannot help but feel as if my healthcare is less important than my insurance company’s good graces. What a horrifying thought.

But science finally acknowledges that maybe, I might be more than a neurological fluke or a genetic mutation outcome.

That’s nice. Now the decades of debate in academia, I’m sure. Sure hope they remember to include the neurologists and epigeneticists.

It is hard to remain positive or hopeful when it’s so clear that we are fodder; to be used and cast aside, like everyone and everything that isn’t part of an authority, an oligarchy, or a vested, detrimental interest.

This is our “progressive” culture and society? Put the pipe down, you’re going to hurt yourself.

Perhaps there will one day be a culture and society that is not predicated upon consuming labor for profit, but I’m sure I will never see it. So I pass the time with practicing theory and doing research, gaming, or going to scream on twitter for hours at a time to get the frustration, pain, and resentment out.

(Image courtesy of: