autotelic, autistic, assonance-hole©.

Where is the sun? (2003)

Subject: Where is the sun?
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2003 01:50:32 +0000

Honestly, I often wonder why it is that everything has to go to shit at once. Shortly after I rang off with you, my roomie and his woman were heading out… something amusing had happened in the game and as normal, I say to him as they are passing my door, ‘Hey… wanna hear something funny?’ His reply was a surly, ‘No.’ I thought he was joking, so I asked, ‘You sure?’ and his even surlier reply, ‘Yes, I’m sure.’ and they left.

Not being one to skirt issues, when he returned, I came out to ask, ‘Hey, are you ok? You seem to be in a really bad mood lately… is something wrong?’ His reply, ‘No.’ I press, ‘Seriously, you’ve been really grouchy lately… is there anything I can do to help… or have I accidently offended you in some manner and I just don’t know it?’

His reply? ‘I just don’t like you.’

I was really speechless for a moment. Then I recovered, ‘Could you perhaps tell me what I’ve done to warrant this sudden dislike?’ To which he replied, ‘It isn’t sudden and I don’t want to talk about it.’

Now bear in mind, this is the same fellow who, less than a month ago was telling me I was the ‘coolest, most laid back, best roomie he’d ever had.’ I’m really at a loss, because I *know* I haven’t done a thing to him.

The only thing I can figure is his new girlfriend (who now lives here) is ragging on him about me or maybe she’s ragging on him and I’m the closest thing he can take it out on… I really don’t know. What I do know is that, with a single sentence, the situation here has become uncomfortable at best and downright impossible at worst. I really don’t know which as yet… but I fully expect him to be telling me to move out soon. I only hope that ‘soon’ is after I get this car situation straightened out. I really do not want to be homeless. -sigh-

So anyway… instead of laying down to sleep to happy thoughts about our talk, I instead sit here telling this to you with a knot that feels like metal in my stomach… and feeling really quite alone and afraid. It isn’t that I can’t survive… I can and will. I just hate it that timing always seems to work against me. I am somehow cursed to ALMOST have something good in my grasp only to have the waters of life sweep me away before I can but imagine the feel of it against my fingertips.

****, I am tired of ‘almost but not quite’. Beyond tired of it. And I fear all the bad jokes in the world cannot replace arms to hold me and make me feel, even if only for a moment, safe. I am so very tired of knowing I’m alone in the world… that I’m the only one I can turn to… especially when I know so very well how little I have to shore myself up.

My head hurts. My back hurts. The stress weighs on me like a lion, hungry to gnaw at me. You said earlier that when you don’t have enough strength to go on, you borrow from someone else. I don’t see how that is possible. There is no one here to lean upon… and I need more than words. For once in my life, I admit it. Through gritted teeth, I admit it. I can’t see the light, my friend. I am weary beyond measure and my spirit shakes with the knowledge that for the first time, I reach into the closet of my strength and find the store empty. I sit here and cry… but softly… no forceful emotion to channel into other areas this time… I weep all but silently, the tears feel heavy, so sore and tired I am tonight.

How I wish I were truly as strong as others see me. That I could laugh off the rancor of others, that I could be resilient and invincible and laugh in the face of the monsters of my own thoughts… thoughts of the days when I was homeless and fears of winding up there once more… but I’m not, ****. I’m not at all that way. I’m just tired, and lonely, and shaking with pain, I feel bruised all over… deep inside. I’m tired.